Breaking the Stigma: Responding to Self-Touch with Care

When a child with autism touches their private parts, the room often goes silent. Adults freeze. Panic sets in. But what if we told you that your response should be as calm and matter-of-fact as when your child says, "My tummy hurts"?

The way we react in these moments shapes not only our child's understanding of their body but also their sense of safety, dignity, and self-worth.

The Stigma We Need to Address

The Uncomfortable Truth

Society has wrapped sexuality, bodies, and private parts in layers of shame, embarrassment, and taboo. When a child with autism—who may not understand these unspoken social rules—touches themselves, adults often respond with:

Visible shock or horror
Loud reprimands or scolding
Physical intervention (grabbing hands away)
Whispered conversations and uncomfortable glances
Isolation or punishment

Why This Response Is Harmful

These reactions teach children that:

Their body is shameful
Their needs are wrong
They cannot trust adults to help them
They should hide discomfort rather than communicate it

For children with autism who already struggle with communication and social understanding, this shame-based response creates confusion, anxiety, and barriers to learning appropriate behavior.

The Paradigm Shift: The Stomachache Approach

When Your Child Has a Stomachache, You:

Stay calm and approach with concern
Ask questions: "Does it hurt? Where? When did it start?"
Check for physical causes: illness, food, constipation
Problem-solve: offer water, rest, or bathroom access
Teach them to recognize and communicate the feeling
Respond with empathy and support

When Your Child Touches Their Private Parts, You Should:

Stay calm and approach with the same concern
Assess the situation: discomfort, sensory need, curiosity, medical issue?
Check for physical causes: rash, infection, tight clothing, bathroom need
Problem-solve: redirect to privacy, address the underlying need
Teach appropriate time and place
Respond with empathy and support

The difference? There shouldn't be one.

What to Do Immediately When It Happens

Step 1: Regulate Your Own Response (2 seconds)

Take a breath
Release any visible tension in your face and body
Remember: This is a teaching moment, not a crisis
Your calm sets the tone for your child's understanding

Step 2: Assess the Situation (5 seconds)

Is there a physical need? (bathroom, discomfort, clothing issue)
Is this sensory-seeking behavior?
Where are we? (public vs. private setting)
What happened right before? (transition, stress, boredom)

Step 3: Respond Calmly and Neutrally (immediate)

If in public:

Use a neutral, quiet tone: "Hands on the table, please" or "Let's use your fidget toy"
Gently redirect their hands to an appropriate activity
If possible, move to a private space without making a scene

If in private:

Calmly say: "Touching private parts is something we do in private places like your bedroom or the bathroom"
Offer an alternative: "Would you like to use the bathroom?" or "Here's your sensory toy"

Step 4: Investigate the "Why" (within minutes)

Just like you'd investigate a stomachache, investigate this:

"Do you need to use the bathroom?"
Check clothing for tags, tightness, or irritation
Feel for fever or signs of illness
Note patterns: time of day, location, preceding activities
Consider if this is a new behaviour (may indicate infection or injury)

Step 5: Address the Underlying Need

If it's a bathroom need: provide immediate access
If it's sensory: offer appropriate alternatives
If it's discomfort: remove irritating clothing, schedule a doctor's visit
If it's regulation: provide calming activities or a break

Step 6: Teach, Don't Shame

Use simple, concrete language:

"Our private parts are private"
"If you need to touch yourself, you go to your bedroom"
"In public spaces, we keep our hands on our toys/activities"

Your Attitude Matters More Than Your Words

What Your Child Needs to Learn:

Their body is normal and belongs to them
All body parts have names and functions
There are appropriate times and places for different behaviours
They can trust you to help them with any body-related need
Discomfort should be communicated, not hidden

What Your Attitude Should Communicate:

Normalcy: "This is just another thing we're learning about"
Safety: "You can always tell me if something feels wrong"
Respect: "Your body deserves care and privacy"
Problem-solving: "Let's figure out what you need"
Confidence: "We'll work through this together"

Practical Scripts for Different Scenarios

Scenario 1: In the Grocery Store

❌ Don't say: "Stop that! People are looking! That's disgusting!"

✅ Do say: "Hands on the cart, buddy. Let's finish shopping, then we'll check if you need the bathroom."

Scenario 2: At Home During Family Time

❌ Don't say: "Don't do that here! Go to your room!"

✅ Do say: "Remember, touching private parts is for private spaces. Let's go to your room if you need to, or would you like your fidget spinner?"

Scenario 3: At School (for Teachers)

❌ Don't: Call out the behaviour in front of classmates

✅ Do: Quietly approach and say "Time for a bathroom break" or redirect to a sensory tool without drawing attention

Scenario 4: During a Playdate

❌ Don't: Apologize profusely to other parents with visible embarrassment

✅ Do: Calmly redirect, then later explain to other parents (if needed): "We're working on teaching privacy concepts—it's part of his learning process."

Addressing the Embarrassment Factor

It's Okay to Feel Uncomfortable

You're human. These moments can be awkward. But your child needs you to manage your discomfort privately, not project it onto them.

Your Embarrassment Doesn't Define the Moment

Take deep breaths
Remind yourself: "My child is not trying to embarrass me"
Focus on their need, not others' potential judgment
Remember that most understanding people recognize childhood learning moments

Reframe Your Perspective

This is no different from a child yelling in a quiet restaurant or having a meltdown in public—it's a learning opportunity
Your calm response shows others how to treat your child with dignity
You're modelling advocacy and acceptance

Building a Stigma-Free Environment

At Home:

Use correct anatomical terms for body parts from an early age
Discuss bodies and privacy as casually as you discuss nutrition or hygiene
Create clear "public" and "private" zones with visual supports
Celebrate when your child recognizes and communicates needs appropriately

In the Community:

Educate family members and caregivers on your approach
Provide simple scripts for teachers and therapists
Advocate for your child's dignity in all settings
Challenge stigma when you encounter it

With Your Child:

Never shame them for their body or its functions
Validate their needs: "I understand your body feels a certain way"
Teach body autonomy alongside appropriate behavior
Build trust so they'll communicate discomfort rather than hide it

When to Seek Additional Support

Consult a Professional If:

The behavior is increasing in frequency
Your child seems distressed or uncomfortable
There are physical symptoms (redness, pain, discharge)
The behaviour is interfering significantly with daily activities
You're struggling to remain calm and need support
Standard redirections aren't working even after consistent implementation

Professionals Who Can Help:

Paediatrician: rule out medical issues
Occupational therapist: sensory strategies
BCBA or behaviour analyst: functional assessment and behavior plan
Child psychologist: emotional regulation and social skills

The Long-Term Impact of Your Response

A Shame-Based Approach Creates:

Adults who hide health issues
Difficulty with intimate relationships
Increased anxiety around bodies and sexuality
Barriers to self-advocacy
Damaged parent-child trust

A Compassionate Approach Creates:

Adults who understand their bodies and communicate needs
Healthy boundaries and self-respect
Ability to seek help when something is wrong
Confidence in navigating social norms
A foundation of trust and open communication

Final Thoughts: Embracing the Journey

Your child with autism is navigating a world full of unspoken rules while potentially experiencing their body differently than neurotypical children. They need you to be their calm, consistent guide—not their critic.

When Your Child Touches Their Private Parts, They Might Be:

Trying to tell you something hurts
Seeking sensory input to regulate
Simply not yet understanding the social rules
Responding to a genuine physical need

Your Job Is Simple but Profound:

Respond with the same patience, curiosity, and care you would show for any other physical need. Because at the end of the day, a body is a body—and every part of it deserves to be treated with dignity.

The stomachache approach isn't just about this one behavior. It's about building a foundation where your child knows that all their needs matter, all their discomforts deserve attention, and they can always trust you to help them navigate their world with respect and love.

That's not just good parenting—that's embracing your child exactly as they are.

Remember:

You're doing an incredible job navigating complex situations with love and intention. Every calm response is a victory. Every teaching moment is progress. And your child is lucky to have an advocate who cares enough to approach these challenges with thoughtfulness and dignity.